Relationships are all fun and games until it becomes a Long Distance one!
So, my husband was away for work this past week, and my friends and sister who obviously read this post, where I spoke about discovering my super power when he was last away asked me “So what super power have you discovered this time?”. Sorry to disappoint ladies, but I didn’t do anything remotely powerful. I only spent too much time lazying in bed!
However, I got to think about Long Distance Relationships (LDR) a lot. You see, he was somewhere in the Far East, 7 hours ahead of UK time. It got a bit annoying to say the least – not being certain what time of the day it was there, and having to often count with my fingers. But ultimately, I was okay because I knew it was just for a week. But then I thought of people in relationships or marriages who have to spend a large chunk of time apart due to long distance.
I think at some point in a relationship or maybe marriage, chances are that long distance will happen. This could be as a result of professional or academic commitments. And I mean real long distance. Not like my friend who called off his relationship because he lived on the island and his girlfriend on the mainland of Lagos, Nigeria. (That’s like saying North and South of the River Thames in London).
At the point Tee had to leave Nigeria for his masters, I was still in Nigeria and so we were apart for over a year. Needless to say it was the most frustrating time ever! Because I had never been to the UK, so I couldn’t relate with his conversations about the underground, the malls and the general UK lifestyle. At some point, I also moved house, got a new job and he had no pictorial representation of these places in his head. But we survived and rather well.
Ok enough of us: now to the tips!
To be honest, this is one for everyone in a serious relationship. I find it a tad bit strange when people say “Oh I haven’t spoken to my partner in a couple of days”. But it’s worse when you’re in a LDR. We were students for most of the time apart (and pretty broke) so we used to communicate a lot via social messaging. But we made it a point of duty to hear each other’s voice once a day – even if for 5 seconds. So I remember purchasing N50 pay-as-you-go call credit – which allowed for barely 50 seconds of call time, just to fulfil this tradition! It’s easier now with Skype and FaceTime and all. In communicating, ensure you remind each other of the long-term goal, keep the hope up and think of the better times ahead.
Being generally idle and in a LDR is a horrible situation. You spend all the time thinking everything will be better if only you were together. Nah! Remember you should have different support networks. Make sure you have a pretty full calendar – learning a skill, volunteering and generally being busy. There’s less time then to feel the pain of the distance.
It’s tempting to consider spending a lot more time with people you can see physically. So the babe or guy who is constantly inviting you to dinner or to the movies. The reality is we are often drawn to those we spend more time with. It’s just human nature. You may start off, with no interest at all or even with dislike – but it could be a dangerous one. By all means hang out in groups. But tricky one on ones? Not too sure.
So rather than number 3, why not consider this! It’s a useful tip. And no, I don’t mean like date other people online! I mean, date your significant other online. Schedule a time to watch your favourite TV show, or YouTube videos while on a video call. Or decide to cook the same meal for dinner and video call while eating and catching up! Maybe even play an online game? I know nothing beats physical presence but this generation has it so much easier. We should be grateful! While I think it’s great to spend time online, I don’t think you should spend TOO much time online. Trust me, at a point you’re likely to get frustrated at being so close, yet so far. So refer to point number 2 above to keep this in check.
Being in an LDR often makes you think “oh if only he was here then I’ll have sent a cake to his office or arranged a surprise dinner”. Well, he’s miles away, but nothing is stopping you from doing that. I remember being in Law school and receiving a hand written letter on a couple of occasions from Tee from the UK. Or remember this post when he sent a cake on my 25th birthday? I also love buying men’s gifts, so at various points, I arranged with his friends to get this done. It may have been a pretty cheap item from Primark – but hey, I was a student and it’s the thought that counts yes?. Don’t slip up on the opportunity to do these things because of distance or cost.
We found it generally helpful to not only speak to each other, but to speak of each other in daily conversations. I think it helps bring to the fore, the consciousness that your partner is present and not just far-away in a distant land. Plus it really does help avoiding tricky situations described above. I know some people in relationships prefer not to talk about their partners when in a LDR, because they don’t want to put all their eggs in a basket and prevent any potential dates. But if this is a serious relationship, and not just testing the waters – then I think this is a good tip!
LDRs will test you and your relationship. But with eyes on the prize, you won’t break and you’ll survive unscathed!
Finally, it’s with pointing out that there should be a goal or an end in sight. Being in a relationship with someone who is away for a 5 year period with no hopes of visiting or you both being together, might be a very tricky one to pull off. Sometimes, it’s better to end it and move forward!
What’s are your thoughts on LDR. In one now or ever being in one? How long after dating will you feel confident to survive a LDR? Any hacks or tips for surviving long distance relationships? Will distance mean a complete break up for you? Long Distance Marriage?
Please share!
Love,
Kachee.. Xx
Read too: 4 Perfectly Do-Able Traditions for Young Couples and Love you Boo, but Can’t Share Your Toothbrush, Sorry!
Alexander
October 5, 2016 at 19:24Beautifully written, Kachi. I have spent most of my adult dating life in LDRs and I must say, it is not the easiest thing to engage in. You rightly pointed out the difficulties and I must admit. Your tips, while being extremely relevant, do not guarantee survival. I will add the need to travel as often as you can to see each other. Meet somewhere mutual or plan a time to be together. I understand how difficult this may be, but physical presence is important, if the relationship is an important one. Kudos.
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 5, 2016 at 19:33You’re totally right! I guess I took it for granted that to the extent possible, people will try to organise visits and be physically together! Thanks for pointing that out. I guess nothing guarantees survival, lol. But hopefully these should help make it easier! Thanks for sharing!
Eve
October 6, 2016 at 19:47Yep, I was away from the hubby for a whole year, raising our baby. At a point close to the end, it became constant fights whenever he called, and I would cry. He paid me a surprise visit, and arranged with my mom so I could run away for the night… It was truly magical, we talked so much, and did other things of course… Lol, like a second honeymoon, but I digressNeedless to say, don’t think the tension would have been resolved with an online conversation. But in everything, it boils down to the Grace of God, I believe that prayer truly changed things… Ok I’m out 😄
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 7, 2016 at 09:17I agree with you. There can be so much tension at some point, that a conversation doesn’t even help. I was going to add that the grace of God is needed as well! Phew. Thanks for sharing!
Adeola Adeyemo
October 5, 2016 at 19:58I’ve never tried LDR before and I’m very skeptical about it. Physical presence is very important, especially in a new relationship. But hey, it’s worked for a lot of people so… let’s just say I don’t have much experience in that field. Nice tips!http://writeitloud.com/
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 7, 2016 at 09:17Thanks Deola! We can’t even underestimate the importance of physical presence, but when LDR happends, we have no choice but to make the best of it.
Stephylately
October 5, 2016 at 20:12Long distance relationship is definitely feasible but boy its hard work and it takes two people who really know what they want which is to build a strong relationship, against all odds. I am currently in one though he is literally in another city, 50mins away from me, we only see each other over the weekend because we are both in the 9-5 industry. The time apart makes me look forward to the weekend and seeing his handsome face . xwww.stephylately.com
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 5, 2016 at 20:16Awww! I agree that a little absence def makes the heart grow fonder! And yes, both parties must be totally committed to making it work!
Toluwalade Toyin-Kehinde
October 6, 2016 at 00:52Great post Kachi but LDR are Hard!!!! Can’t even stress it enough Lmao. Even the communication part is a struggle when you have crazy time differences and the time you’re free is when the other person is sleeping lol. All the same, I feel it’s only for very serious people who know what they want and like you said have an end goal.toyinwithfashion.com
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 7, 2016 at 09:26Oh gosh! The crazy time difference. It’s still better if you’re on the same time. Hahahaa. It’s def only for serious people. No jokes oh.
Berry Dakara
October 6, 2016 at 00:56Since Cakes shuttles back and forth between Nigeria and Atlanta now, it can feel like a LDR or LDM when he’s away. We definitely make sure to keep in contact everyday – Skype, FaceTime and Whatsapp are our tools of choice. Keeping communication frequent certainly helps.www.berrydakara.com
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 7, 2016 at 09:41It sure does! I’m sure you’ll be alright.
Precious
October 6, 2016 at 04:11Mr N worked in another country for about the first four years of our marriage and boy was it tough!We communicated everyday, all the time, probably more than people who were together. LOL My computer was always on while I was at home so we could chat and while I was away, my phone would blow with calls. I think the frequent excessive communication is what kept us. The best part was always when he returned. We would like almost devour each other. Okay let me leave now…PreciousCore.com
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 7, 2016 at 09:42Loooool!!! @ your last line. Mehn. Four Years! Phewwwww.Thank God that’s all sorted now.
Praise Abu
October 6, 2016 at 08:45Lovely tips Kachee. I especially like the communication and online dating tip.If only someone had shared these tips with me some years back I’m sure things would have worked out fine but still I always felt and still feel that I was a lil too immature to make the relationship work but now I know better.My Style Look Book Series
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 7, 2016 at 09:43Awww thanks. I guess maturity plays a bit as well. But it’s always good to know that it’s possible.
kudoslivingblog
October 6, 2016 at 11:37Communication is key.Can’t be over emphasizedwww.kudoslivings.com
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 7, 2016 at 09:43It cant! Thank you!!
Olaa Bobade
October 6, 2016 at 12:16I think being in a LDR requires a lot of maturity and trust. Your points are apt. I’ve heard of many people who broke up due to the mainland, island stuff and it’s quite funny and yes, it’s kinda inevitable cause of work, school and all. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. http://www.laitanbee.com LIFE | HELLO OCTOBER
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 7, 2016 at 09:44Hahahaha. Thank God I wasn’t the only one who had heard of the Island Mainland thing. It’s quite funny. Well, it depends on the kind of absence. Sometimes, it’s out of sight, out of mind. Lol!
Ify Halim
October 6, 2016 at 12:24Great post, Kachee!I think trust is a huge factor with LDRs, even with everyday communication. It helps when each partner knows this and works hard to guard it. Like I know a guy in an LDR who went as far as to let his babe know his whereabouts every second, especially when with other girls. Not sure if I can keep up with that personally o lol, but I admire his efforts.www.ifyhalim.com
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 9, 2016 at 22:48To be fair, I think it’s good practice to generally let your s/o know where you are. For safety reasons as we;;. Trust is such a need in LDRs, as well. Thanks for sharing Ify!
Oluwatoceen!
October 6, 2016 at 12:29There was a time I always wanted a LDR because I felt errm, I guess I just wanted to feel among but oh men, a don want mbok. Lool. Your tips were helpful, loved the notes and gifts the most because there’s nothing like random surprises. Ah iyawo Tee, hopefully no more counting on fingers for you. Lol. Wait break up due to mainland nd island??? What! It has to be deeper than that. Blehthatinternist.wordpress.com
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 7, 2016 at 09:56Lmao @ feel among! I kind of sort of know what you mean. I love random surprises. Lol. I guess it was deeper than that. But you’ll be amazed at how people consider driving anywhere outside the Island as distance!
Sky
October 6, 2016 at 15:14I don’t know a lot about relationships but all your points are very very key.I always say to know yourself very well before committing to any type of relationship at all, including the LDR/M ones.If one cannot put in the trust, work and effort needed, while dealing with the absence honorably AND making active plans to visit as often as you can, then i don’t think LDR might is a realistic way to go.If i loved someone and was in a relationship with them, i would want to see them and talk to them as often as possible. So for me, ideally, the LDR shouldn’t be farther than inter-state, as opposed to inter-country.Especially at this stage/age in my life, if i get into a relationship, it’s beyond the feelings. It’s life-goals, possible marriage/starting a family, etc, The actual real-life companionship must be present. No ‘together but living and feeling like not-together’ for me now.On the flip side, because of this life-stage i’m in, i might be better equipped to handle a LDR if i find myself in one, because of other factors like work commitments that keeps me busy and such. Commitments that can work both ways: Keep you busy so you don’t mope around and whine because the Sig.Other is away, OR keep you too busy to make the efforts you’ve mentioned. *sigh*So what stage you are in life also influences these things sometimes.One never knows how life will go and i don’t think most people in it planned for it to be so. Like you said, situations and opportunities might come up and one person has to move..But let’s find the bae first sha 😀 :DSNF Taking Stock: 09
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 7, 2016 at 09:55Hhahahahahaa. Don’t worry we love long comments!I think it’s sooo true that the stage of life and mindset matters. a whole lot. I don’t think it’s advisable to actually start of a relationship as an LDR one. But when people have spent a significant amount of time together and then someone has to go farther, it’s necessary that we make it work, to the extent possible. Particularly if we consider that it could very well happen in marriage!
Sky
October 6, 2016 at 15:15OMG that was such a long comment, i just kept talking.. ugh!sorry guys..
Thelma Anozie
October 6, 2016 at 15:49I’m currently in a LDR and Mr and I recently saw. The Joy!!!! Chai. I think the distance makes the heart grow fonder but still it is work. Long distance is about to end tho and I can’t wait. Your tips are really good. Mr and I are shareholders on Skype sef. Our Skype is always active. Lol
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 7, 2016 at 17:57Hahahahah. I can almost feel the Joy in your response! So thankful for free Skype (and good internet)!
Kuch
October 6, 2016 at 16:46Communication is key o. Kachi all your points are valid. We could talk for Africa and everybody knew the significant other at both ends.
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 7, 2016 at 09:51Hahahaa. Just like the people in my office already pretty much knew him! Lool!
Brenda Mobebi
October 6, 2016 at 17:00In my present relationship, we have been distant apart from each other at one point or the other. But the sweet thing is we are not just lovers, we are friends first and we keep that going.Whenever we were distance apart from each other, we SPOKE EVERYDAY and almost every time. Sometimes during the day, he would send text messages and before the day runs out, we would have exchanged over 30 messages. Luckily, we still do that till today even though we are in the same city and less than 20 minutes drive from each other.REGULAR Communication is KEY in LDR…no other way i can think of.Brendascouch.com
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 7, 2016 at 09:50I think that’s the main point. Communication. And it’s great that even when it’s no longer LDR you keep that up!
Clara
October 6, 2016 at 17:42I was in an LDR for about 2.5years until the boy surprised me in January by telling me he’d found a job in my city! At that point I was starting to get fed up and throwing more and more tantrums because I couldn’t see an end in sight. And ours was easy oh, I mean I saw him every other week for a long weekend, we talked constantly on whatsapp and skyped almost every single day. But still. Those people who do LDRs without the opportunities we had are the original MVPs!As you said, communication and trust is key. We fought about so many things but never once about third parties/jealousy because we trusted each other implicitly. We also knew all the internships would be good for our future together. I was glad when it ended sha because my body (constant tiredness) and my purse were starting to scream out for mercy.
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 7, 2016 at 09:46Lucky you! Forgot to mention how expensive those additional phone calls and visits can be. It really gets frustrating if there’s no end in sight.
momentzwithvee
October 6, 2016 at 19:42This is the best advice I have heard so far….Nice write up kachee…I adore you. …..www.momentzwithvee.blogspot.com
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 7, 2016 at 09:44Thank you SO much! Happy you thought it was useful.
DamiLoves
October 6, 2016 at 19:52LDR and LDM certainly takes the ‘work’ part of relationships to a certain level. The mindset of the individuals involved needs to be correct though, you need two willing participants to make it work.Rock Bottom Amaka
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 7, 2016 at 09:45Mindset is everything. That’swhy I say you need to have a future and plan in sight. Not just dilly dallying.
Bababi
October 6, 2016 at 23:16Lol Kachee, make technology your best friend and let it do the time conversion instead of you counting your fingers. LolGood tips, although easier said. LDRs always comes with its inevitable frustrations. Good tips nonetheless.
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 9, 2016 at 22:43Hahahaha. I may have exaggerated a bit on the counting fingers bit. Def easier said than done. We can only try and pray.
Ama
October 7, 2016 at 16:58Valid points. Actually in one atm😭😭. Undertaking all d points you raised guess we r doing it right😁. One good thing about LDRs is the opportunity to do more than u can when your s/o is away- learn a skill, triple d hustle, get d degrees n just be busy. Lol if we were in the same place, we probably wouldn’t be getting more stuff done just because we constantly are/want to be in each others face.Just my little opinion btw. Lol your blog is my new getaway from school work.
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 9, 2016 at 22:44I absolutely agree with you on sometimes being able to do more when your s/o is away. I blogged on that in the making the most of being single post. And if you’re doing all of this, you’re def doing something right! Thank you for loving the blog! Much much appreciated!
Bubu Green
October 8, 2016 at 00:19LDR or LDM is tough but do-able. Communication is key! And so far as there is a goal you are working towards, it makes it easier.e.g. time to meet the parents etc. I and hubby had the LDR throughout courtship but we were always chatting away on BBm or calls. We also bonded over TV shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Big Brother Africa. We would watch at same time and gist about it while watching despite the time difference. Those little things, no matter how wack it seemed at the time, helped in sailing the relationship. As usual, great post.www.bubusboulevard.com
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 9, 2016 at 22:42Those little things matter oh. Awwww @ Big Brother Africa. Do they even still do that show?Thanks Bubs!
AdaUgo
October 8, 2016 at 18:25LDRs are hard. I’ve always wanted a long term relationship and I’m in one with an amazing person. But it’s already obvious that we are at the LDR stage right now and will remain there for at least the next 4/5 years. The Mr isn’t finding it funny and is doing everything to at least get us a year more so we’ll at least see on weekends but after that I’m sure we can’t control it again. Your tips are the bomb. I await my champagne now. Yours truly, your little one
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 9, 2016 at 22:46Darling! I’ll send your champagne, don’t worry! Wow at next 4 – 5 years. That’s a tough one, and I’ll be praying for you! With the goal in mind, I’m sure you’d do great.
Yummy Mum Life
October 9, 2016 at 03:27I was in a LDR many years back and I was trying to keep up-communication and all but the bobo just couldn’t.I sensed he either couldn’t keep up or he just did not value it like I did it so I binned it with immediate effect.Of course he came begging but I was done being distant in every way possible plus it can’t work when one person puts in the work.www.CheecheeLIVE.com
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 9, 2016 at 22:47It’s sooo much work and it definitely takes two! If one person isn’t playing a part, it won’t work.
Abby
October 10, 2016 at 10:11Very very useful tips! Communication can not be over emphasized. It really is the major key 🔑 . And number 3 is so important, to avoid stories that touch 😭.I think if both parties are committed long distance relationships or marriages can work. Just requires extra commitment, staying up to talk to the other person cos of time difference, saving up for travel visits etc.And to be honest if you’re really not speaking about your significant other ‘cos you don’t want to put all eggs in one basket, then it’s best to reevaluate the relationship and consider if it’s worth it.Speaking of surprises, thanks for reminding me I have one to plan 😁
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 23, 2016 at 16:29I’m quite curious about this surprise. Let me in now….Tricky situations eh. Even the seemingly innocent ones, when you’re far away you keep thinking the worst and everything seems tricky!
Sophie Lawrence
October 23, 2016 at 06:13Hmmm Kachee, I feel like I need to meet you already. E ma nu! K”anyi ta Nkwobi na Isi ewu *lmao* Nne m! It isn’t easy being in LDR. It really does take the word work to “ah whole ‘nother level”. I was in a LDR with a guy I knew from Uni back in Nigeria but we never really talked in school. Fast forward to a couple of years after graduating by then I had already moved to the States, we started talking and getting so close that we fell for each other. A year and some change after that I decided to date Him. Boy! was it hard. First of all, homeboy still used a BB, so we could hardly video call. He also could not bear the cost of getting internet *so to speak*. And even when he did the network was so shitty that it will always hang or end the call. So we mostly did chatting and Lord bless WhatsApp we tried its phone calling. But was it easy? No! Was it frustrating and hair-pulling worthy? Yess!! We constantly fought about the Skype calling, which only happened like once or twice. (Excuse my long gist, I’m just glad to be rubbing minds with y’all). At a point he just couldn’t bear the heat in the kitchen anymore, He began to seem uninterested, less attentive like he was dragging his feet in the relationship. Thinking about it just traumatizes me. Anyho, we finally broke up. I mean there are just a lot of factors. 1 I’m here for school and won’t be returning anytime soon and I don’t think he has the necessary resources to travel here. He clearly states that he doesn’t want to live in the US. Which also covers the eye on the prize point you made, I guess there was no prize not to talk of the “anya” you feel me. Nothing really to look forward to. It was a sad and trying time cuz we really really really liked each other and still do. Our friendship foundation is strong. But yeah that’s my story. We still are in each other’s life but I just don’t want to do a LDR anymore. Oh Well! who knows *now singing* When Jesus says Yes…..Thank you Thank you for your tips they are so practical and real. I did almost everything. Let me go back to preparing my Isi ewu recipe until your coming.
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 23, 2016 at 16:28Now I can’t stop thinking of Isiewu and Nkwobi!! Sophie I’ll love to meet you!Chai. This story is sad oh. especially when the friendship foundation was strong. I feel you totally. LDRs can honestly be hard! Jesus will say Yes soon. Inugo?Hopefully you’ll know when next I’m in Nig, God willing, I’ll take you up on this invite! Have a great week!
Sophie Lawrence
October 24, 2016 at 12:05Haha! A nu lam nwanne m. The US you mean. Yes I will like to meet you too. Thanks! Have a great week as well.
Kachee || KacheeTee.com
October 24, 2016 at 12:08The US sorry! Nkwobi and Isiewu was making me think of Nig!
Arrey Echi
October 26, 2016 at 10:58Very Useful tips here. I can only admire and duff my hats off those who go into long distance and survive with their relationships intact. I know it is possible but for me, I it is a no go area. Well maybe idea will change if the real cupid’s arrow pierce my heart but ern, not so sure. I find them emotionally, physically, morally and financially tasking. Courage to all who are into it.www.joy2endure.comhttp://joy2endure.com/index…
A girl called
November 5, 2016 at 11:47Very useful and true tips.. I have been in LDR before for almost a year, it didn’t work out anyways due to communication and other things. Communication is key in a relationship long distance or NS distance, I don’t get people also that do the only social media communication ish, it bores me tbh. Woah online games, dunno of any but thanks for this tips. Just incase I get into another LDR..Www.labakeany.wordpress.con
Trisha
November 28, 2016 at 05:30I love this! I live in California for medical school and my boyfriend is on the opposite side of the country. I think #1 is especially helpful. I never understand how people can manage long distance without speaking everyday. I know people who make it work with texting but not speaking. My boyfriend thankfully is equally eager to chat, text, and facetime multiple time a day. It really helps make us feel closer when we’re roping eachother into our daily activities and giving regular updates!
Simi Olusola
December 11, 2016 at 10:25I started a relationship this April and it started off as long distance. It all happened long distance. In fact, we met on Twitter and I was in Ghana then while he was here in Nigeria. Funny enough, I do not find being in an LDR tough or tasking. Of course, it is easier to be closer to him but we make it work and it seems effortless.We talk everyday on the phone and Skype often. We get to see for a couple of days every two months thereabouts. It seems we have spent so little time together physically. Was just saying a week ago to him that if we were to add up all the times we have spent physically together since we have known each other, it might not be up to half of a week. Still with all that, I do not feel deprived or less loved. It has been the best eight months ever (well with the exception of one horrible month).I even think that we will progress in to an LDM as naturally speaking I do not see our locations changing anytime soon. I am tied to the North and he is for now tied to Lagos. Plus I dislike Lagos. Let me wait to see what God has in the bag for us sha.
Tobi Akinmade
January 19, 2017 at 19:41These are very helpful tips for people in long distance relationships. Being in a long distance relationship requires a lot of work but as long as both parties are in love and what their relationship going to the next level, they will make it work. Enjoyed reading thiswww.journalthreesixty.wordp…