I love being married. And if I’m being honest, one of the reasons I love my marriage is the fact that many times I don’t have to put up appearances. Although now that I think about it – I was never one to put up appearances even while dating. On our first date, Tee accused me of eating chicken with my hands – but hey I saw no need for putting up airs. Or so I thought.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking about familiarity and comfort zones in relation to relationships. How far is too far really? Where do we draw the line between being absolutely comfortable and being overly comfortable that it takes out the mystery, attraction and allure between both of you.
I thought I’ll consider some of the more popular areas – especially from the female perspective.
The first time I met Tee, I had the most horrible looking braids; and from then till now, I’ve had such bad hair days that should ordinarily make him cringe. But he’s often such a good sport about it, and in some weird sort of way prefers my real hair as opposed to any weaves. But then, I think he reached his limit with wigs! For many black /afro-Caribbean women today, wigs are the in thing – with our real hair plaited underneath in cornrows. But it gets tricky in so many ways, and for many it’s a love-hate relationship.
Recently I was having a chat with someone about this, and she said ‘at least you’re married…it’s so difficult for we that are still dating‘. She went on to explain how anytime she had to skype or FaceTime with her boyfriend, she absolutely had to put on her wig. You’ve also probably seen memes about girls leaving their wigs on while sleeping and some boyfriends/husbands who had no idea what their partner’s real hair was like.
My friend assumed that it was easier in marriage. But is it? I only recently started wearing wigs this year and let’s just say the reaction from Tee wasn’t all embracing. Being new to wigs and after a long day at work, there’s nothing I looked forward to more than taking it off. And so if he happened to pick me up from the station, I’ll happily yank off the wig in the car as I was with “my own person“. I guess he couldn’t hold it anymore one day and blurted out “So babe, I’m the one who should see the cornrows yeah, while outsiders see the wig? You don’t even wait till we get home“. So I started waiting till we got home to yank it off. Haha.
Related: Hair Struggles & a Review of Irresistible Me Clip Ins
But to be fair, after the initial shock he’s very fine with it. I think the cornrows were the issue, as they were simply plaited back without any part. On one occasion my stylist put a centre part on it and he literally exclaimed “I like these cornrows, and you can even wear them out this way without any wigs”. So now when I go to the salon, I simply say “please put a pat in my cornrows; centre, side, anyhow, as long as it’s just not all to the back”! One other thing Tee couldn’t quite stand was hair nets. The odds I guess were in his favour on that one because those things gave me a headache and so I never wore them. I guess the plus side of wigs is that once they’re off, you don’t really need any hair nets.
For makeup, I’ve never been into it, and thankfully he’s not as well. So there hasn’t been any need for any insecurities when it comes to makeup and ‘my real face’. But then there are many ladies who are unable to hang out or skype while dating, except they’ve got makeup on. Is this too extreme or is it okay in wanting to look that way while being with your partner?
Related: The Makeup Questions That Keep Us All Awake at Night
Once before we got married and after I returned to Nigeria from Cambridge, I ran out of my fave brand of bikini razors which I had only found in a particular store in the UK. So I rang Tee and asked him to please get me some and give to a friend who was heading down.
It’s always pretty funny when he narrates what happens after. While he asked the attendant for “bikini razors”, the attendant wasn’t quite sure where to find it, and in a bid to be helpful, used his mic in the store to announce loudly “this gentleman would like some bikini razors – could someone please come attend to him”. Sounds funny but I think he was slightly embarrassed.
Related: Body Hair Removal Tips & Tricks – From the Head to the Legs!
But just like in asking him to buy bikini razors, I’ve always been pretty comfy to ask him to buy other girly stuff like pads, underwear or even have him pack these for me if we had to have a trip. But some people def think that’s way too familiar, and girly stuff should still be somewhat coded and could lead to lack of appeal in the relationship.
So this literally happened two days ago. I asked Tee why his clothes seemed rumpled and un-ironed, and he said “babe these are home clothes. If you leave your wig on, I’d go and iron them”. I burst into laughter and told him this couldn’t have happened at a better time, as I had already begun to draft this post.
Related: Tricks & Tips on the Most boring Chore Ever: Ironing!
But I guess it gets tricky sometimes doesn’t it? You’re home and would love to wear your most comfy and not necessarily pretty looking outfit, while your significant other who as in my case may not have seen you the entire day or for a while would rather see you looking all nice.
I’ve also heard some ladies say how while they love their ‘granny underwear’ or favourite worn out night shirt, they can only wear these when their partners are away!
There are a few other general habits worth noting. For some of this, people tend to go easy on them while dating or in the initial marriage phase, and then boom – once we get familiar, our ‘real selves‘ pop up.
I’m not even sure the best way to put this. But my husband swears that all through our 6 year period of dating I never ever ‘broke wind’ in his presence. And then we get married and he’s like ‘okay she’s normal after all‘. I dispute that – I mean it’s a natural occurrence and say we were stuck in the same place for 5 hours, how does one avoid that? But obviously it’s probably not a peculiar situation. But does getting married mean you have the liberty to break wind in each other’s presence?
I also remember a pre-wedding shoot that went somewhat viral. It had been photographed in the toilet and made to look like the man was using the loo, while his fiancée held her hand over her house. The responses were epic. Some thought it should never happen and somethings still ought to be private, while others thought there should be no boundaries as they were too be married. While we’re still in the bathroom, is waxing your legs or lady parts in front of your partner likely to reduce attraction and should be behind close days? Again, how familiar is too familiar?
Then there’s eating habits. Eating a bag of crisps while dating is often different from eating the same bag of crisps while married. The first may tend to be quieter – more subtle. But with familiarity comes the cackling eating noise. And this applies to a lot of other things – quantity of food, eating with fork and knife, burping, belching loudly etc. A lot of that gets thrown out of the window once a certain level of comfort is achieved.
Generally, I love a certain level of comfort zones and being able to be free. What this level of freedom means will obviously vary from couple to couple. I think I should be able to go makeup free around my husband and not have to wear a wig 24/7. Because really, love should be way deeper than this. No?
But at the same time, I realise that effort is required to keep the flames in relationships and being way too lackadaisical could be detrimental. So, the balance probably lies in the middle:
What experiences have you had or heard on comfort zones and relationship? At what point in the relationship did you enter into some comfort zones? What are you able to tolerate and what is definitely off limits? Love to hear your thoughts.
pS: don’t ask why I chose to use the synonym “broke wind”. At least there’s still a correlation and I didn’t go with the less vague option of “cut the cheese”. Haha.
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ADAORA NWAJIAKUSeptember 8, 2017 at 08:57
Love the sincerity, Kachi! I agree, how long will one put up pretences anyway? But wisdom should be applied alongside.Once, I went on a movie-date with an old friend who had recently started seeing me as ‘more than a friend’. He had eaten some meaty, saucy meal and for most of the movie, he just kept burping. Do you know how irritating it is to breathe in that hot, foul, stanky odor?! I was so DISGUSTED. He’s invited me out again, I have no intentions of going soon. Let’s stay phone friends, biko.
Annie EjioforSeptember 8, 2017 at 19:28
Haha. But you could just tell him. Find a polite, nice, unembarrassing way to tell him, maybe? Except you’d rather not see/hang out with him for other reasons.
Kachee || KacheeTee.comSeptember 15, 2017 at 08:51
@adaoranwajiaku:disqus I kinda agree with @annieejiofor:disqus. Even as phone friends he could burp and while you wouldn’t breathe that in, it may still irritate you. Think you should find a way to tell him. But of course you don’t have to be more than a friend if you don’t want to.
ADAORA NWAJIAKUSeptember 25, 2017 at 15:58
I apologise, I thought I’d replied this! lol. Thank you @annieejiofor:disqus and @Ka@KacheeTee:disqus I actually tried to make the date thing work, but i think it’s best we stay normal friends. Maybe it’s beyond the burping for me. Lol. You’re right; I’d hint at it someway to him, for the future, and then stick to being friends- burp and all. Thanksss.
Dunni OSeptember 8, 2017 at 10:30
nice one, I was pretty down to earth while dating, as in farting, no make up and all so there wasn’t much of a change when we got married. As for the wig part, I’m just about to join the band wagon but a friend of mine warned that her husband had been complaining about being tired of seeing her in cornrows and I get how creepy it can’t look. will suggest the part to her.https://diaryofafirstimemum…
'DaraSeptember 8, 2017 at 10:42
This was too hilarious. I think the key is not to get too laid back. But aren’t we supoosed to ‘be ourselves’? What if being yourself means you being laid back?😓😂
UfuomaSeptember 8, 2017 at 11:57
Haha! This was every bit hilarious but with lessons in them still.And like you said, it’s about finding a balance and being able to shake things up every now and then.I imagine that being married to someone means you are allowed to be yourself, just like you are with Tee. I personally wouldn’t wear makeup just to FaceTime my boyfriend, I think that’s a tad too far but every time my makeup is remotely close to fleek, I’m ringing him up! Lol.I enjoyed this! ❤️www.theufuoma.comtravel lifestyle passion
Kachee || KacheeTee.comSeptember 8, 2017 at 11:59
Okay I loveee that last line about you ringing him up when makeup is remotely close to fleek! I think that’s the balance right there. Thanks for sharing hun. 😘
IemberSeptember 8, 2017 at 12:56
Firstly, I really like your blog Kachi. I like how lighthearted yet educative your content is.About comfort zones, it’s funny how the things I try to put an effort towards are the very things my husband isn’t bothered about. When i wear wigs, i do my cornrows myself. They are not the tidiest cornrows as i am a rookie when it comes to braiding. I thought it bothers him, so one day I decided I would go to the salon and get them done properly. He asked ”what’s wrong with the one you do yourself, why waste money at the salon ?” lol.i dislike hair nets too! i think they look so hideous and avoid them, but the Mr would always ask where my hair net is. In his words ”Do you want your hair to get bad?”www.iembergavar.wordpress.com
Dee OlateruSeptember 9, 2017 at 14:32
I don’t like anyone farting in front of me… heck I’d there was a way I’d excuse myself from my own fart I would 🤣🤣. Overall in a relationship I think it’s a balance and whatever works for the couple.However let me also be honest in saying when I was in a relationship with a non-black person (pre wig days). It took me a while to take out my extensions (weaves or braids at the time) in front of him. You need to ease someone that has NO clue about black girl hair stuff into it. After a while he was helping me lose my twists 🤣🤣.
LadyJSeptember 9, 2017 at 16:45
Like you, I don’t like when people chew loudly, so I can see how that would grate on my nerves. I can’t think of anything else I won’t be able tolerate in this category.A sign of intimacy is the ability to be one’s self with their significant other, so that should definitely be the goal for couples. However, decorum should not be totally lost.Nice post as always Kachi!
Desire UbaSeptember 10, 2017 at 02:12
I was literally laughing inside while reading this!! I am the queen of cornrows, and just two days ago, one of my co-workers said I look ‘beautiful’ with my cornrows while another implied the opposite, so I guess its an to-each-their-own sort of situation.My dad used to buy me sanitary towels, and if he has to today, he still will, never really thought about how odd it might seem, I am pretty used to ittThe Make-up kini is something I don’t really understand sha, but, hey, whatever works! I haaate hair nets too. Use a satin bonnet, please, Child of God. Its even healthier for our edges.www.desireuba.wordpress.com
Eniola LofindipeSeptember 10, 2017 at 08:04
“Cut the cheese”? LOL! This post made me smile, ‘cos hubs and i had a conversation about wigs a few days back. He actually doesn’t mind it as long as you don’t wear it all year long. And he isn’t a fan of long hair esp those reaching your bum. About ”breaking wind”, i generally hate this and get very dramatic when it happens. Before i got married, whenever anyone farts in my house everybody disappears in seconds, The drama is usually quite hilarious, so i went into marriage that way. Been married for four years and sometimes i still run when it happens or cover myself with the duvet. Hubs thinks the drama is funny too.Onion and fish breathe are a capital NO for me. And like you rightly said, balance , communication and being intentional are pretty key Some days you run around in slacks and other days, you wear bottom hugging jeans.thecuriousmum.wordpress.com
HildaSeptember 11, 2017 at 09:10
LOOL!!! I hate onion and fish breathe as well. I made my boyfriend brush one time after eating fish, I just can’t stand it. I legit laughed when you said everyone disappears. LOOOOL!!! That’s some really funny drama.
ifunanya DibiaezueSeptember 11, 2017 at 07:02
Well I am not married but I have been with my boyfriend for a long time. We met in Uni, I was in first year, I was so skinny then I barely weighed 50kg. I used to always wear oversized clothes(I like to be comfortable okay?) and carry this giant school bag and I wore sneakers everyday. LooL I think I got comfortable from the jump, sometimes I like to surprise him and go all out on the hair and make up and clothes and stuff cause I know he loves it. But in the end I think you should be able to pull off every version of yourself with your “significant other” and be comfortable always.Nice post KachiSunlightdreamer.com4 WAYS TO BE PRODUCTIVE IN TRAFFIC
Unravelling NigeriaSeptember 11, 2017 at 15:32
LOOL. Funny we have the same perspective on being free. I’ve also asked my partner to buy me girly stuff. Once we were discussing and my partner does think that peeing in front of each other shouldn’t be a big deal.I think it’s a huge deal. Like stated in your post I think somethings should be hidden,But in most things we’re pretty free around each other.great post.www.unravellingnigeria.com
SkySeptember 11, 2017 at 16:13
Such a funny but key thing, this comfortability issue.I’m single but i think people should be themselves when dating and married. Being yourself doesn’t mean being indecent and unsanitary though.No need to wear a full face beat just to facetime your SO but if you have the time and energy, look neat.Let me just chill and read the other comments.Style: Mom Jeans | How to Style & A Casual Take
RuthsTravel:Because I BelieveSeptember 11, 2017 at 17:47
Hehe. I’m with you; every single sentence. I really laughed at the wigs on vs ironed shirts 😂becauseibelieveblog.com
Tega-ra AdahSeptember 11, 2017 at 22:20
Kachi your blog is always fun to read.Hubby actually said this exact same words as Tee some months ago. I got back from work one day and removed my wig,almost immediately I was removing it my hubby picked it up and wore it on my head” so am the one that knows how to look at your weave hair right.Wear it.You would do shakara outside and moi it’s weaving..I laughed so hard.About been comfy I think to each his own.My hubby hates hair net and wrapper.Infact before we got married he warned me not to bring wrapper to his house…About a year ago he came across one of my grandma inherited wrapper in his words”How did this get into this house. I can go on and on of things some guys in office send and my hubby doesn’t see anything so I would say to each his own.
Chisom OjukwuSeptember 13, 2017 at 07:46
😂😂😂😂😂 OMG. That wig gist cracked three ribs😂😂😂
Prossie NSeptember 12, 2017 at 07:24
This was super hilarious.Lets be clear on this dear future spouse. If you break wind in front of me, I will consider this to be your declaration that I am a toilet. I find it rude and demeaning for someone to pass gas infront of me and saturate my air with whatever the hell they ate! I would be extremely offended regardless of who they are. Secondly, I really dont understand people who use those hair nets. I absolutely hate them. Just get a pretty satin scarf and tie it up properly. Home is not an excuse for people to look homeless!
Kachee || KacheeTee.comSeptember 15, 2017 at 08:49
Hahahaahahaha. I think many ladies grew up with hair nets perhaps from their parents. But more people seem to be embracing the scarf trend now.
Mary-AnneSeptember 29, 2017 at 09:02
😂😂 @Home is not an excuse for people to look homeless
BababiSeptember 12, 2017 at 17:11
Interesting read as always! I’ve never been a makeup person. I always have a mood for makeup. Interesting fact, my husband actually innitiated me into using makeup. So he met me with “my real face” and along the line would make suggestive comments like “this lipstick would look nice on you”.Anyway, i go almost everyday without makeup, I wear a wig almost every other month (so i have sew-in this month and all through the next month, i wear a wig), we always have farting competitions (his smells so horrible it could kill an ocean of sea animals), we gist while taking a dump, he weirdly likes to help me change my used sanitory pad when I’m home (i often avoid this cos that’s just too much invasion of privacy) . However, where I draw the line is “home clothes”. When i shop for home clothes, i always pick out the comfy yet extremely sexy ones. My home clothes are the kinds of clothes I’ll actually never wear out of the house 😂😂😂😂😂 cos they are waaaay too revealing. But I choose to do that so he knows I can also be sexy when i want to.
Kachee || KacheeTee.comSeptember 15, 2017 at 08:49
You both sound so free.! I think alternating the wig thing is a good idea. I’m thinking of getting braids done for a while and a switch up. And good plan re home clothes. It’s actually just for him you’re being all sexy. He’d be pleased.
TolaSeptember 14, 2017 at 11:06
Honestly, I felt attacked when you said no one should ask why you used the synonym ‘broke wind’ because that was exactly what I wanted to ask 😂😂😂😂 I don’t have much to contribute concerning this topic so I’ll just scroll down and enjoy the commentswww.adoseoftola.wordpress.com
Kachee || KacheeTee.comSeptember 15, 2017 at 08:46
Hahahahaha. Don’t mind me. I was trying to be all posh with you all.
Live In IbadanSeptember 27, 2017 at 13:40
Interesting read. Break wind? Abi fart? Or pollute. Preferrably, mess. Dont be too disgusted. I and my boyfriend have the habit of farting in front of each other. We are unusually comfortable around each other. When you love someone, you care less about all these thingswww.liveinibadan.blogspot.com
TochukwuSeptember 27, 2017 at 14:21
Lol @ the bikini razor incident. I was actually saying to myself “there is nothing wrong with that”, then i got to the announcement part; gezzzzzzzzz!Well, the bible said that “wisdom is profitable to direct”. So i will say that it all boil down to understanding yourself, understanding your partner, being comfortable in your own skin and being modest.I am all for bare it all when you have to, glam it all when you have to, be minimal when you have to (you know, a little mystery sometimes…..lol) – just be wise and have fun while at it.My last relationship was basically distance and i would be skyping with him while doing African thread on my hair at night or brushing my teeth, he has had to pack my panties for me while packing my travelling bag and i also never had to hold back on taking off the wig.I just think that if your partner is your “friend”, then there would be no ‘rules’ no ‘fear’ nor ‘shame’ but ‘respect’. Therefore, while exercising your ‘free spirit’, you do that with ‘respect’. And like Kachee said: “Avoid the bad habits your spouse isn’t a big fan of”.